[00:00] Speaker A: Hey, mamas. Welcome to the mom Chat show, where we talk all things motherhood and we keep it real raw and honest.

[00:08] And me and my new besties, we're ready to share it all with you. Yes, you heard right, all of it. The mistakes, the trial and errors, the ups, the downs, the emotional roller coasters, and the happy times too.

[00:21] So if you're ready to laugh, cry,

[00:25] learn, and just have a good time,

[00:27] then this is your podcast show.

[00:30] You're my people.

[00:31] Let's chat.

[00:34] Thank you so much for coming on the Mom Chat show. I'm super excited about talking about our topic today because honestly, it's something I would have wish I had more of in the beginning of my motherhood journey.

[00:46] So I'm super excited to your story and what you do. So go ahead and tell me a little bit about you and how long you've been a mom.

[00:54] Speaker B: Okay,

[00:55] so I'm Dr. Jess Daigle. I'm a board certified pediatrician, NICU doctor,

[01:00] mom of two kids who are both preterm and the founder of mom and Me md, which I'll be launching this summer, which will be a postpartum care service designed to help new moms and NICU moms transition home with their babies.

[01:14] The goal is to really provide that real time support that moms need on that journey of taking care of a new little person and a lot of the uncertainty that comes with it and then the guilt and the overwhelm and,

[01:29] and really just help them to know they're not alone and to be able to become a mother that feels empowered instead of like, you know, mothering from a place of like defeat or survival.

[01:43] Right. I want moms to thrive and be like, you know what?

[01:46] I can do this motherhood thing,

[01:49] I really got into it. Well, I've always like, loved kids. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor that took care of babies, but I didn't really appreciate the motherhood part of it until I had my own kids.

[01:59] I always sympathize with parents just cause I just know like, change is hard in general for like anyone.

[02:05] But when I became a mom and then when my first baby, well, I had a loss before my son, then when my son was born at 31 weeks and then I had to be like the mom of the NICU baby.

[02:18] I really got an understanding for the challenges that parents experience when they go home. And so then in the hospital after that with working with family families, I really work to do a lot of education and reassurance all the time at the bedside and I would have a lot of people,

[02:35] like, texting me, like, once they're at home and stuff, because I would get close with some patients, and so that. And our friends who had kids,

[02:43] they would text me questions, little things they were worried about.

[02:46] And I started to realize, like, people are not really feeling that supportive, you know, and these are people that had doctors that they could go to. But,

[02:54] you know, with the way current healthcare system is, you know, it's really like DMV is, like, designed to, like, shuffle you out of the office. You know, just the basics, like, all right, your baby, okay.

[03:03] And,

[03:04] you know, and then they might give you that little questionnaire looking at for postpartum depression to Edenburg.

[03:10] And then depending on what that says, you know, they may or may not do a little bit more. But it really is designed to, like, check a box. And it's not really the fault of the pediatrician.

[03:19] It's more the way healthcare system is designed over here.

[03:23] So I just wanted to be a part of the solution for that, you know, instead of the problem. So I really never liked clinic for that reason, because I was that person that would take, like, the 45 minutes if the mom needed to talk about things.

[03:35] And I remember being in training, they would be like, well, you just talk about one thing and bring them back. And I'm like, who has time to, like, keep coming back to the doctor every time they have a question,

[03:44] live at the pediatrician office, Then the first, like, month,

[03:48] you know, you know what, just take up a room here. That way we can come answer your questions anytime you have one. And. And the other thing, too that's a problem is that, you know, like, you would hear, like, your family talking about our moms when they had us.

[04:00] It was like everybody was there. Like, they wouldn't stay with grandma, or they had aunts and cousins, and basically everybody was there. And now most people are having babies in isolation or it's just them and their partner or husband, spouse and the baby.

[04:15] You know, I was like, that I was away in training when I had my baby. So it was just me and my husband and I were like, nicu baby. And I was still in training.

[04:24] And I remember, like, getting calls from the sitter while I'm in rounds, like, couldn't eat. Or the NG2 came out. And it's just so stressful.

[04:33] So I just want moms, like, after encounter with me to know, you know what I was feeling overwhelmed. But we worked through it,

[04:40] and I got my answer question. I feel more ready to take care of my baby because it's a lifelong journey. So it's not something that you could just check a box.

[04:49] Like, it's an ongoing process,

[04:51] you know, so that's. That's what I'm about.

[04:54] Speaker A: I can only imagine. First off, because we go through so many things already after we have our kids and we're trying to adjust. Like, it's so many things that take place that we're trying to, like, take in.

[05:06] And if you don't have support,

[05:07] especially the right support,

[05:09] it makes it so much harder.

[05:10] Speaker B: It does.

[05:11] I had to kind of sit with this myself because sometimes you just get into a routine of thinking. And that's the other thing too. We just. We just get in survival mode.

[05:21] I think all of us in life, you know, until we start to appreciate, like, creating boundaries and prioritizing ourselves, you know,

[05:29] we live in survival mode. It's just like. And one of the things that helped me to understand that was when parents. I would see some moms in the groups that will say, like, I feel like I missed the first year of my baby's life because I was just trying to,

[05:41] like,

[05:42] you know, sleep or feed them and worry that they were going to be breathing. And. And, you know, and some of it is a process.

[05:49] Meaning, like, even with all the help I would provide,

[05:52] some things you're going to just kind of go through because I can't control, like, everybody's circumstances.

[05:57] But sometimes just having somebody to bounce something off of or just give you a quiet, you know, what you're really doing okay, this is just kind of part of what a baby will do.

[06:07] Sometimes it's just that one sentence. Will. Will be okay. Sometimes just knowing,

[06:12] like. Like when you're in college, you know, it's got to be like the four years or, you know, you gotta. You know what I mean? Like, that's just the time it takes.

[06:18] I mean, you know, like with deceptions, but,

[06:21] you know, so you can either fight against it and be frustrated or you can say, okay, well, I know that this is typical. So now I'm going to create systems and tools to make me successful in my journey.

[06:33] And so I think it's the same way with being a mom. Like, everything's affected, like you as a person,

[06:38] so you're grappling with the fact that you have the responsibility of taking care of a new person.

[06:43] Many times when we've become a mom, we are really still trying to figure out who we are. Like, right. Like, I'm just still trying to be like Jessica, you know, or whatever.

[06:52] Right.

[06:53] And then you're like, wait, now I gotta be responsible for a person? And I don't think I ever really thought about, like, how much of a responsibility it is taking care of each other.

[07:00] It's like, you know, it's. But it's not until you, like, in it. And. And that's everybody. I think it's just coming to terms with that and kind of grieving the loss of the fact that your life has changed.

[07:11] So I had a mom one time that I worked with, and she was like, I just feel like I'm not the same person. And I was like, well, you're probably not in a sense,

[07:19] but that's okay. Like, if you think about it, even before you had your child, you're not the same person you were when you were 10 years old or 15 years old.

[07:28] Not downplaying it, but it becomes more monumental to us when we have our kids. Instead of realizing,

[07:34] actually, I've done a lot of other hard things.

[07:36] It's just like, just had to adjust or learn or get tools or strategy or get the support and things.

[07:42] And so you are changing. Then you have a new baby you have to learn about. Then your relationships are changing,

[07:47] family and friends setting boundaries because everybody wants to tell you what to do,

[07:53] and you're trying to figure out what kind of mom you want to be.

[07:56] You know, I never thought about that until I had kids. I mean,

[07:59] I never was like, oh, I'm gonna parent like this. I mean, not really. I never really had that, you know, discussion with myself.

[08:05] And then your home life. So just because you have a kid, nothing changes. Like, you still have to pay bills, you know, the light bill, still do. You still gotta get food.

[08:14] You still, you know, and so it's all these added stressors, you know, and then returning to work, whether if you have to or not if you have to and you don't want to.

[08:23] And then that guilt of feeling like you're leaving your baby, like, everybody goes through that. Like, even me now when I work, I feel guilty when I leave my kids.

[08:31] But I know it's part of the process of.

[08:34] Well, you know, I'm a mom. Of trying to become entrepreneur. I'm trying to set this kind of example of what's possible.

[08:40] And so there's always going to be a little bit of give and take.

[08:44] And I heard somebody say this recently. I thought this was a good thing, like, you can have everything you want. It just may not always, always be at the same time.

[08:51] And I thought that was a really good saying. So, you know, not everything can happen at the same time, but it can happen, like, in your life, so to speak.

[08:58] So that's. That's kind of my thoughts on, like, why it's a struggle, you know, for moms and. And really, if they,

[09:05] like, sit with it and know everybody else feels that way. That's why community is important, you know, like.

[09:10] Like when you're in school and everybody, like, complaining about the test together, it's that shared frustration that kind of,

[09:16] you know, it encourages people to keep going. Like, well, everybody kind of hates it. So, you know, we'll be.

[09:23] It's a different feeling versus, well, I feel alone. Like, you know, it's just anything like sports. Like when I ran track.

[09:29] You know, we all hate. Oh, man, we gotta do another lap. You know, everybody hated it together,

[09:33] but we did it together then, too. Like, we compl. We might have complained the whole last lap, but we did it because we had that community of other people with us.

[09:41] And so community is important, too.

[09:43] Speaker A: So that leads me to this question. What do you feel like has been the biggest struggles that you have seen within the moms that you've worked with?

[09:53] Speaker B: I think the biggest struggle is it's feeling guilty about this perception of what a mom should look like.

[10:05] You know, I've started to dig deep into that when somebody says, I feel guilty because,

[10:10] I don't know, like, I had a mom one time that was like,

[10:13] I feel guilty because I didn't know I needed to, like, wake my baby up again to, like, Eisha's breastfeeding. I think it may be been about five hours or so.

[10:22] Like, I say, is this your first baby? And she's like, yes. So why do you think you would know that? Like,

[10:27] you have to learn certain things, right? But take on guilt. And I actually went and looked up the word guilt because I was, like, curious. Like, what does it really mean, like, to be guilty?

[10:38] And it's really like you, like, committed an offense or crime. Like, like, you. You know, you. Most of the time, it's like, an intention of something in a way. And so I was like, well, you shouldn't feel guilty.

[10:49] Like, that's. That's. That's not the right emotion. You might feel frustrated or you're concerned or worried, but automatically when you say, I'm guilty, then that takes on, like, a negative.

[11:00] Like, you're purposely doing something wrong, and then you feel even bad about that. Then you enter this, like, nasty cycle, right? It's like, how do you get out of that?

[11:08] Like, I. Now, when Somebody tell me something. I get to the root of why they believe whatever it is. It's like,

[11:15] so who said a lot of the things we feel guilty about is driven by society,

[11:21] like, what other people are doing. And I only just joined social media, like, a little bit over a year and a half. Like, it might be going on two years at the end of this year.

[11:30] And I see now, like, how people are bombarded with so much stuff. And I'm like,

[11:35] wow, no wonder people feel guilty. Because if this person over here doing this and this over there, like, where's your standard coming from, right? Like, who are you measuring yourself against or what do you measure yourself against?

[11:45] So I try to talk with them about, like, what are your goals and. And what do you think you should be doing and where does that come from? Did somebody say it?

[11:53] Did you read something somewhere? And then I try to educate them, like, so if something is standard of care, like,

[12:00] yeah, you should be feeding your baby because, I mean, that's how they're going to grow, you know. But feeding your baby 25 and so. And so fed theirs like 30 every three hours.

[12:11] Neither one of you are wrong. Like,

[12:14] it's whatever. Your baby, your baby should govern what you need. There are some standards just based off of what makes sense in health and, like, making sure we're living right.

[12:24] But this whole, like, because so and so did it,

[12:28] that means that I have to do it that way. That's what drives a lot of the guilt. I think we have this.

[12:33] A lot of misinformation is out there.

[12:36] And so that the guilt is the biggest thing that people struggle with. Like. Like they feel like they're not meeting some type of standard. And.

[12:43] And a lot of it either wasn't realistic anyway. Like,

[12:46] you know you're gonna be tired when you have a new baby. Like, nobody can sustain that type of thing. Like round the clock. Like, even when I'm on call,

[12:56] if I have to stay up to 30 hours, I know eventually I'm gonna be able to go to sleep.

[13:01] But, like, when you have a kid, especially a newborn baby, it's around the clock, like every three hours, around the clock for the first two months at least on average.

[13:11] And so, like, nobody can be everything for somebody all the time. And you are kind of pushed into that and don't let you be breastfeeding. And so just understanding that this is a season.

[13:22] So what I try to help parents do is look at things in phases. Like,

[13:27] this is a phase. So it's not going to always be like, this. And so I think if they know that, then we can endure things. Just like I gave with college.

[13:35] Like, college is a phase.

[13:38] You know, high school is a phase.

[13:40] Middle school is a phase. We have seasons in our lives. And so if we just look at it like that, we can look at it from a place of positive.

[13:48] Like, okay, well, I'mma see what I can glean from this season because I know,

[13:52] you know, pretty soon we'll be onto something else. And when you're a parent, it's forever. Like, I tell them, I make them laugh. Like, when they're one week old, you have a concern.

[14:01] When they're one year old, it's something else. And so it never goes away. That motherly,

[14:06] the, you know, of that sense of responsibility for a person that you created is always going to be there. So you just kind of learn to take it in stride.

[14:14] And so that's the skills that I want to help. I want to help them approach it differently. I think your perspective matters, right? Like, two people can have the same situation and depending on their outlook, feel differently about it.

[14:27] You know, I just look at stuff with a sense of joy now. Like, even when my kids do something that drives me crazy and in the moment I might be frustrated, then later I'll laugh, like, you know, at little people or something else, you know, like.

[14:37] Like I look at it like,

[14:39] that's so interesting. Like, that they feel the freedom to be who they are. Like, kids are a great example of, like, mindfulness. Like, they just live in their moment. Like, they.

[14:48] They really have no concept of anything future except for if it's something that they want. Other than that, you know, they're not worried about, like, you know, unless there's circumstances.

[14:57] But in general, I don't. I know my kids not worry about they're going to be eating or they just expect things to happen, like, you know.

[15:04] True,

[15:06] true. I worry about it.

[15:08] I'll come from somewhere, you know,

[15:11] so. So we kind of have that. That kind of childlike thing too, right? Like, I think we'll. We'll do a little bit better in life.

[15:18] Speaker A: I love that you help them own their independence. I think that's something that we struggle with a lot of times, like you said, because there is so much influence.

[15:27] And then you have the influence of family,

[15:29] society, all the things at one time,

[15:32] and you're like, okay, well, where do I fit in? When technically you don't have to fit in. Like, there's no mold to this thing.

[15:40] Speaker B: No. Yeah. Most of them will say something like, oh, because you know, either somebody else, they saw somebody else doing something or you know, even me, I've started to ask myself like why I do things.

[15:52] And then I'm very open minded. So like when parents bring something to me,

[15:55] I'm very quick to be like,

[15:57] it might be okay actually, like, you know, because I'll go and look and see. There really was no real standard about it. You know, I only try to really give strong opinions about things that are like safety related.

[16:09] Like, yes, they should need to really sleep in their own.

[16:12] And even, even the American Academy of Breastfeeding man is a little bit more relaxed about co sleeping actually, like for breastfeeding babies. But in general, because I've seen like Sid's cases, I really try to be a little bit more like, please put them in their own space, you know,

[16:24] just because I hate for a family to deal with that kind outcome. But even there, see, there's some flexibility depending on which society is given the recommendation, you know. And so that's one of the other things too that's frustrating for parents is because the information is so varied too.

[16:40] Then they like don't know, well, who do I believe? And this person is saying that. And so, you know, I encourage people to do their own research and have discussions and be open minded.

[16:51] I think the biggest thing for a parent or a mom is to be flexible and it serves you better because if you try to make things be a certain way, a lot of times it often doesn't go that way.

[17:04] And then you're dealing with that frustration versus being like, well, you know, at the root of it, if my kid is safe and fed and healthy and happy, I'm really doing okay.

[17:13] Because what does that really look like? Like I like when my son would be like, I need that. When we used to watch stuff on tv, I told him, you need a job.

[17:23] Thank you.

[17:25] Yeah, like the only thing you really need is food and clothes and shelter. So they don't call child protective services on me. Other than that,

[17:33] everything else is negotiable. Like you don't really need an iPad. You don't really need toys. Like there's so many ways to be creative and have fun and do things. And so again, that's example, like if we look at it, things we didn't have that our kids have, but we have survived and made it all these other things.

[17:53] Not a lot of everybody had that kind of stuff growing up and they, they did fine. You know what I mean?

[17:58] Exactly.

[18:00] Speaker A: So that leads me to this. How would moms know that it might be time to get the type of support that you offer.

[18:08] Speaker B: Well, I think it's. It's. It's a combination of if they really are feeling like they can't, like, go on, like, every day is like, I just can't deal with this. Like, if they just have that really.

[18:22] That sense of urge, urgency, like, I don't know what I'm doing, and they're looking,

[18:27] you know, like, to all types of people for. For help,

[18:32] then that's when I would say, hey,

[18:34] like, let me help you, you know, or they're just really struggling with change and, like, more than average, because everybody's gonna have a little bit of, like, a. Oh, this is rough.

[18:43] But if you're able to acknowledge it and then say, well, what am I gonna do about it? Then you probably will be okay, like, because all of us don't have to do that.

[18:51] But if you feel like it's rough for me and I. But I don't know how to get out of this place. And what kinds of tools do I need? Or I just really need reassurance because I'm a little bit more anxious and worried than either I have been in the past,

[19:05] or I maybe am already a really anxious person in general.

[19:09] One of my friends who asked me to be like, her little mom coach for, like, eight weeks,

[19:15] she was very, very anxious. And so,

[19:18] you know, it was a lot of education and reassurance Weekly we met, I think it helped her to know, like, I know I'm going to be able to talk to her about this, you know,

[19:26] and.

[19:27] And even she would text me a question because I told her I wanted to kind of pilot it out. Like, what would that feel like? You know, someone reaching out to me all the time and things like that.

[19:35] And I really didn't mind. I thought it really helped her.

[19:39] Like, her baby has something else. And she was like, I didn't know he was going to get that. And I was like, nobody knows what their kids are going to get.

[19:46] Like,

[19:47] it's like, really, like, a stab in the dark. It's like walking in a dark room and trying to find a light that's somewhere on the other side of the room.

[19:54] That really is like, what parenting is like, because you can get a kid that's going to eat everything, and then you get a baby that has all kinds of food allergies.

[20:02] And so I remember I had. I made her laugh.

[20:04] I was like, girl, you better tuck in. I said,

[20:07] you're going to be a mess when he have to go to daycare. He come home with a cold. You're going to be like, who up in here gave my baby a cold?

[20:12] She started walking.

[20:16] I was like.

[20:17] I was like, just in the journey. Like, this is like, you think this one thing. Look, my kid and that, like, ear infections. There's all kinds of stuff, scrapes. Like, so you just have to kind of think about yourself.

[20:28] Like, well, I done made it through different things. Or bumps and bruises or scrapes, fell off the bike or just whatever, right? Like where you live, it's just. They have their cross to bear too, so to speak.

[20:39] You know, anybody in this earth does.

[20:41] Speaker A: And.

[20:42] Speaker B: And when I think. When you think of it like that, you just realize, you know what? Just got to do the best we can. Every day I tell people, when you know better,

[20:50] you know, do better. And then what you don't know, just be like, well, I didn't know. So I told her, don't take on that guilt of when you didn't know some just be like, hey, well, that's cool.

[20:58] I learned it. Well, I'm glad I got the information,

[21:01] you know, time enough. Or like, now I know.

[21:03] And like anything else, I feel like we go through things and we can help somebody else. Like, okay, well, maybe you didn't know, but you might run into a moment and you could be like, oh,

[21:12] that was such. And such,

[21:13] you know,

[21:14] whatever. And then you save one person maybe some frustration or some fear. So,

[21:19] like, kind of paying it forward. So that's all we can really do.

[21:22] True.

[21:23] Speaker A: And that leads me to this question I would love to know, like, what was the biggest thing that you learned from your journey, especially with having kids

[21:31] Speaker B: that were preterm to give myself grace.

[21:34] I think that was the biggest thing for me, especially since I was a physician,

[21:38] you know,

[21:38] battling like, all the information that I even know, but still, like, living with the reality of what my situation was. Like,

[21:47] there can be a disconnect there. Same thing. Like, you can have expectations and then be like, well, that's not what happened. So then do I, like,

[21:56] cry? And I do give. Tell people to hold space for their frustrations,

[22:00] right? Like, be mad about it or even if you feel guilty.

[22:04] The issue is, don't stay stuck there.

[22:06] What. What can you do to, like, move forward? Because what I have learned is that you can't change what has happened. So then you either stay mad and frustrated about the thing when you could be focusing on what might be something that you can latch onto that is a positive.

[22:22] Now, like when I tell my NICU moms You know, like, I saw a mom and I did a post about this just recently where moms are talking about feeling guilty that they can't go see their babies because either gas prices is.

[22:36] I've been to the gas tank. I was like, I told my husband, I need to get a bike.

[22:42] This is a good time for a Tesla.

[22:46] All the Tesla people are like, yes, okay,

[22:48] I know. Yeah, but.

[22:51] But they are, like, guilty. And I get feeling, like, frustrated. But again, you can't control, like, you know, you didn't say, hey,

[22:59] I have all this money that I can put in my gas tank, and I'm not going see my baby. That's a different attitude right now. If you have the means to do something you like, I don't care,

[23:09] then you need to work through that. But that's not most people. Like, it's most people that are really trying their best to do and provide and don't let it be a mom that has other kids.

[23:18] Like,

[23:19] all of them need you.

[23:21] And it ends up being like, a little bit here and a little bit there. And again, I reassured them that's just part of the process, too.

[23:28] And that's where communication becomes important. Especially if your kids are old enough to understand, like, hey, you know, I love you too. Just like, little brother just needs a little bit more help here.

[23:37] But, like, when you need help with something, too, I'm gonna help you with that, too. Like, it just comes in seasons, too. That's a seasonal thing, too. Just like when your kid is older and they leave the house, they don't need you to drive them to the store anymore.

[23:48] They got their own car. They're not mad, oh, my mama can't take me to the store. No, I'm old enough now. I got, you know, I didn't transition, so it's the same thing.

[23:56] So helping them through, like, stuff like that, like, guilt and giving yourself grace is so important.

[24:02] You know, if I had, like, one key message, like, give yourself grace. If you have something that you know you could do better, that's all of us. Well, then just make a plan to do better, too.

[24:11] I still don't like moms to feel guilty there, too. Like, when we'd have moms who would come in who had a history of, like, drug abuse or something and say they don't like methadone or Suboxone because they really tried to get into a program.

[24:21] But now let me get started on these pain clinics. Some of this stuff, I feel like, are not really designed to help people really get off Unfortunately, I hate to say that, but I feel like if somebody's really trying to help somebody get off, you know, you're going to have a plan of weaning.

[24:38] Like, we do the babies in the hospital that we have to treat. We wean them often. We don't send them home on morphine and stuff. We help them overcome it, you know,

[24:47] but, like, I'll even tell those moms, like, look, okay, yes, you did that.

[24:51] This is where we are.

[24:52] Your baby is withdrawing because it's a. It's a chemical process. It's like, it's. It's a physical thing. It's not like, you know, you chose to say, hey, baby, go withdraw.

[25:01] They saw something, and now they're not seeing any more science, really.

[25:04] And so I don't, like, slam those moms or do all that guilt thing. I say, but now you have a choice to do, you know, the better, and so choose to do the better.

[25:14] That's. That's my message. So when we know better, do better.

[25:17] But shaming and guilting and all that, it serves nobody, you know, help people to make the better choices, you know?

[25:24] Yes.

[25:25] Speaker A: I love that you said that. The shaming, for one, is definitely never needed. It never makes anything better. It just makes them feel worse.

[25:32] Speaker B: It does. Yeah.

[25:34] Speaker A: And then they beat themselves up, which we do enough of that, so they don't need any.

[25:38] Speaker B: And then you're not getting the outcome that you desire. If the outcome is for it to be better than,

[25:43] figure out what are the tools or the support that's needed.

[25:47] Because at the root of it,

[25:49] I think most people want to. To live their best life or be their best selves. It's just that there are so many things coming at us. It's a history. You know, you got your past and whatever,

[26:00] you know, circumstances you've grown up in and your things you have to work through. You know, that's like, everybody.

[26:06] And then I think, for real, it's a level of support.

[26:09] I remember when I was in New Orleans for school when Hurricane Katrina happened. And for me, that became real about, like, homelessness. So when Hurricane Katrina happened, I had to stay with some of my sorority sisters for a little bit because the place I had was underwater.

[26:23] Well, essentially, I was homeless. Like, I didn't have my own place. I was standing. I was bumming on their couch for a little bit. And then I realized, like, how easy your circumstances can change.

[26:35] That was nothing that I made happen to myself, like,

[26:40] you know, but it still happened. I still had to pivot and figure out a situation and how to survive, you know, during that period of time. And so it made me be a little bit more sensitive about, like, homelessness and things like that too.

[26:52] Granted, are there circumstances where people make choices that put them in certain places? Yes,

[26:57] but all of us have been there where we probably made choices. And if not. But the grace of God. But. And. Or the support. If I didn't have friends that I could have stayed with, I could easily been, like, trying to look for a shelter myself to stay in for a little while.

[27:10] Right. Like, the only difference was the support that I had.

[27:13] No other difference.

[27:15] My money was not different. You know, I was broke, college student.

[27:19] So me, I was going to become like, a doctor and all of that, but that didn't matter in that moment, like, what I was becoming. It was what was my circumstances at that time.

[27:29] And so I think if people just a little bit more tolerant towards understanding the root of, like, what has happened with people and then getting to the root of it,

[27:38] I think, like, in general, like, this country would be a lot better.

[27:43] Yes. Oof.

[27:44] Speaker A: That is so accurate. I do feel like we're not as caring as we should be and we expect so much, but we give so little sad.

[27:54] Speaker B: Because I've seen it. I've seen, like, what people who really feel supported. It's like kids. Like,

[28:00] I was always really good with, like, teenagers in residency. And I would always get, like, the kids who would come in with psych complaints too, in the er.

[28:08] And kids are really good at that. Like, they know, like, who's really dreaming and cares about them. Especially, like, teenagers, you know, and there's always outliers, right? You'll always have that really, really frustrating teenager or something, I guess you could say.

[28:21] But even then,

[28:22] it makes you just kind of wonder what they've been through, you know?

[28:26] And so I always strive to understand someone's story. I'm always very inquisitive. Like,

[28:31] how did you get here? Like, tell me from the beginning. I talked to them like that. You know, I had one. We got so close. He was like, Dr. Daigle, you are like a cool doctor.

[28:42] He was like, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Because I even had to tell him too. Like,

[28:47] all of us go through things in life, you know, I gotta share him with him some of my stories, some stuff. He probably would have been like, what he went through,

[28:54] you know, like. And see, then that's the thing. That's why it's so important for people to share the story. Like, we're Missing authenticity.

[29:00] Everybody is trying to look like they got it together all the time, you know? And,

[29:05] like, even me, when I go online and I use filters, I laugh. I'd be like, I'm using a filter because y' all can't be seeing me looking rough right now.

[29:12] But at least I say,

[29:14] like, you know, but I'm okay with being real about that or saying it. And some people want to make it look like this.

[29:21] This glamorous life and then going home and breaking down. And I think that's why we were seeing a lot of the suicides and, like, prominent people, like, you know, like the famous celebrity people.

[29:32] And so it makes you think. Like, you think, well, these people have, like, access to everything,

[29:37] you know, at least you think so. But that doesn't matter if you don't feel the support,

[29:42] the genuinely. And not saying that they were not supported, because we really don't know their circumstances. But in general,

[29:48] somewhere there was some where they felt like they were crying for help, but they didn't feel like the help was there, you know, for whatever reason. So I just think we just need to do a much better job of giving authentic help to people.

[30:01] And that's what I want to do. Like, I love,

[30:03] love talking to families. Like,

[30:06] like, I would just be in the hospital all day. I think I love, like, seeing a mom, like,

[30:11] smile with reassurance. Like, you know, like, her face visibly changed. Like, you know what? Okay, I can do this. Like, okay, I was worri about that. But thank you for answering that question.

[30:20] I think it'll be okay. I love that. Like, that feeling empowered that they can do it. That that's so important, because what you believe about yourself, too, is what you're gonna put out there too.

[30:30] So if they don't feel like they can do it, then everything is going to be looked at in that negative eye, right? Versus,

[30:36] no, I'm doing a great job because I'm. I'm concerned. And I even tell moms, look, you're doing a great job just because you care about being a good mom. Like, so you are a good mom for that reason alone,

[30:47] you know? So pat yourself on the back. Cause some people don't care about nothing, you know, unfortunately.

[30:53] Speaker A: So that leads me to one of my second to last questions. I would love to know, what advice or tip would you like to leave the moms with?

[31:04] Speaker B: Um,

[31:05] don't be afraid to ask for help. And I did a live with this with one of my line sisters who's a clinical psychologist. Was so good. We talked about this.

[31:14] Why do women feel like we need to be everything?

[31:19] And it comes from, like, society pressures. And so we reinforce this negative.

[31:25] Oh, I did it all by myself. But should you have had to.

[31:29] So it's not a matter of.

[31:30] Could you. Yeah, we can do a lot of stuff, but should you?

[31:35] Why?

[31:35] Like, why take on all the burden of that?

[31:38] The community is important. Finding people to help you and for those that.

[31:43] That don't, that's who my heart breaks. Because some people really are, like, isolated. And so I try to encourage them to find a community of people like mine, you know, like, that's the.

[31:51] One of the good things about social media is that at least you can build communities, even with people that may not be in the same place as you, but in terms of, like, physically, but.

[32:00] Oh, yeah, I'm a new mom, too. Okay, good. You know, that kind of stuff. So.

[32:04] So don't be afraid to ask for help or delegate if you have the means to delegate to people in your life.

[32:11] Like, say, like.

[32:12] Like the dad. Like, okay, you might be breastfeeding. He,

[32:16] sorry, he can't do it, but he can change the baby's diaper. He can help clean, pump supplies. He can rock the baby while you go take a shower. Like, you know, that sense of control.

[32:28] And some of this is a process, too. I've understood this, too. So I tell moms to be patient with themselves.

[32:34] What you know and what you do is a process.

[32:37] Give yourself that grace of time.

[32:39] So kind of all of that is wrapped up together, like giving yourself the grace because you won't really be able to do it all, like, all the time by having that unrealistic expectation of yourself that leads to you feeling guilty and frustrated, which lead, like that negative cycle.

[32:56] It ends up being a cycle that you. You end up trying to break out of and you don't know how. Like, how do I get out of this? You know?

[33:03] So asking for help so you can focus on you and your recovery and assessing your own needs is so important, because one of my friends said this,

[33:14] which was really good. She said the best gift that we can give our kids because we talk about legacy and things a lot.

[33:22] We worried about money and leaving a wheel and estate planning. All these things are important.

[33:26] But the best thing is to be mentally well if you're not even well in yourself,

[33:31] you know, because that's going to lead to bitterness, because then you're going to be like, oh, they always need something again and again, right? Like, you end up feeling that way versus I've taken The time that I needed for me, and now I feel okay and ready to give to someone else,

[33:48] you know? And that's a process too. Yes. Oh, goodness.

[33:52] Speaker A: That was packed with a lot. But it's so true.

[33:54] Speaker B: Like, and these are things I'm still practicing. So,

[33:57] you know, when I say I want to help,

[34:00] like, moms, I'm even looking at, am I practicing what I preach, so to speak. Right. Because, you know, you have to. In order for you to share with somebody else, you have to first believe that it works for yourself.

[34:11] Right. And so when I start to get overwhelmed, I have this, like, mnemonic PDF that I send to people who subscribe to my newsletter. I'm like, okay, what's the one thing?

[34:21] Okay, okay. This day is overwhelming. What can I do right now? It really does help you, like, to center you, because we're worried about A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J.

[34:29] What's A?

[34:31] Let me do a B. Might happen today, but it might be tomorrow. But that's okay. I did A. And really celebrating yourself that you even calmed yourself down. I celebrate myself for that.

[34:43] Like, oh, I didn't have a meltdown about that.

[34:46] Look at the growth. Look at the growth.

[34:51] So, you know, I'm practicing these things, too, because I'm a mom, too, and it's a lifelong journey. On my landing page, I have motherhood. It's on the job training. It is.

[35:00] There's no manual. I mean, you can read all kinds of books, but you still don't know how you will process something until you were in it. You know, so advice is only good up to a certain point.

[35:11] You know, it's. It helps to just kind of know, okay, well, somebody's told me it might feel like this. And so then you feel a little bit like, I'm not crazy because somebody else told me it might feel like this.

[35:21] But you still have to go through it yourself.

[35:25] Right. They can't take. They can't go through it for you.

[35:29] So then it becomes, what tools can I use to survive this again? Because I can't change that, whatever this circumstance has happened, but I can control how I respond to it.

[35:41] Right.

[35:42] So. Right.

[35:44] Speaker A: Oh, goodness. I love that. I love that. Because I think sometimes we forget that we do have so much more control.

[35:52] Speaker B: Yeah. Over things. Yeah. It's just the way that you view it, though. Yeah. My husband frustrated me this morning. I said,

[35:59] okay,

[36:02] I woke up with a good mojo. I'm not gonna let him mess with my mojo. I had to say that out loud to myself.

[36:09] And I went on to have a better day. I really did. And you know, because we're all moving parts. Like,

[36:15] you know, everybody's trying to live this life and,

[36:18] you know, consider themselves and everybody's got an agenda and, you know, that's how it is, right?

[36:24] Even your kids, when they're being like, noisy, they're just living in their moment too. Like, everybody's in their head and, you know, okay, you need to give others a little bit of grace too.

[36:34] Right? Like, okay, send you a little bit of grace.

[36:40] I know all about the standing.

[36:41] Speaker A: Yes.

[36:42] Speaker B: A lot of the grace be like, Jesus just saved your life.

[36:49] Speaker A: Exactly. If they only knew.

[36:52] Speaker B: Exactly.

[36:54] Oh,

[36:54] my goodness. So I, I just try to practice what I preach with that. But I've really just sharing that has really helped my moms, like in the hospital, especially like my NICU moms, you know, I've just listened to them, what they tell me,

[37:07] you know, and. And I just noticed that pattern. Right. Like with all circumstances,

[37:12] these, these patterns, these core things are the same for all of us. Dealing with things unexpected,

[37:18] you know, tragedies or disappointments, like, that's common to all of us, you know,

[37:24] and that's why I think if we all remember like that this is just part of humanity,

[37:29] then that's when we're able to be a little bit more tolerant of other people about things, you know, and then there's some things that we need to not be tolerant of for sure.

[37:38] Like, all right, no, you just have to get it together.

[37:40] But still saying, what. What do we need to do to help you get this together?

[37:45] Because we need to do. You know, sometimes you need that tough love, you know, like, we need to do better. But still, people knowing that it's because you really care about them having being their best self, that matters.

[37:57] Speaker A: Yes, it definitely does.

[37:59] So I would love to know,

[38:01] how can they find you? They decide they want to reach you. They want that support system.

[38:06] How can they find you?

[38:08] Speaker B: Well, my Instagram is om and me md, I have like calendarly links for people, like if they're in the fourth trimester and they want to talk about that whole thing, if they're.

[38:18] Or if they're NICU mom,

[38:20] I have that one too. Because those needs are different. Even though the core of being overwhelmed and stuff is the same, they may have more specific concerns about bringing home a pre need that they need like addressed and stuff like that versus just normal like newborn care and things like that.

[38:36] So I have those two,

[38:38] two consultations that I could do just to kind of see, like, where they are, what are they trying to get to, and how I can help them get.

[38:45] Speaker A: That's it. Mamas, thank you so much for spending a little time with me on the mom chat show. And I would love to connect with you more. So to make sure of that, click that follow button.

[38:54] And also follow us on momchat show on Instagram, where I will talk to y' all again next week. Bye, mamas.